For Immediate Release

Reston, VA--Obscure Author Bored at Temp Job, Spends Free Time Reading Random Crap on Internet and Getting Irritated by Overwhelming Masses of Silly People Out There

Example #1: You've somehow figured out how to turn on a computer and access the www. While there, you've somehow managed to take your smarts even further to: a) post on a message board, b) start your own blog, c) write user/customer reviews, d) all of the above. Good for you, really--but has anyone ever told you that what's most amazing about your savvy is that you still can't fucking S-P-E-L-L? Note: The cost of a public education would likely be comparable to that of your Internet subscription.

Example #2: You're a raging feminist. You take so much offense to books written by women being called "chick-lit" that it is your position that books written by men should be called "dick-lit" to compensate. Interesting idea, really--but to stay true to form, that would mean we would have to start calling chick-lit, well, something along the lines of snatch-lit. Wait, what's that? You might be willing to accept vagina-lit in place of chick-lit as long as we can start calling man books dick-lit? Note: You might find volunteer work rewarding.

Example #3: You've filed a complaint against your doctor because he hurt your feelings by suggesting that you should lose some weight. You're pretty sure you're, you know, not as thin as you could be--but that doesn't mean anybody should be allowed to say it. And that includes the licensed medical professional who was probably hoping to save you from the debilitating effects of high blood pressure, coronary artery disease and possibly diabetes. That fucker. Note: Invest in a Tae-Bo DVD, it will cost less than a lawsuit and may result in a healthier body and happier mind.

*It might be that I've offended somebody. But just so we're clear on this, I was offended first.