Twenty Reasons

I'll be honest here. I might be a traitor to both my genre and my sex. I say this because unlike some of my contemporaries, I wouldn't compare chick-lit bashing to being raped, nor would I balk at a literary author's blithe insinuation that me and mine are all a bunch of sluts.

I do, however, feel it necessary to address the jackass who wrote this lame so-called essay titled: EIGHT REASONS WHY CHICK LIT AUTHORS SHOULD BE KICKED UNTIL THEY’RE DEAD* (*Or at least banned by law from writing anything, ever)

Okay, jackass, your opinion's allowed thanks to everyone's favorite Constitutional amendment (which allows me to shout fuck as often as I please, even in public--hey, thanks, founding fathers! FUCK YEAH!!!), but at the same time, you don't even know me. And really, if someone wants to kick me until I'm dead, I'd much rather it be for another offensive trait I possess than me dashing off a little pulp and having it stuck inside of a pink-and-white cover by the people who offered to publish it for me.

So here goes. Twenty reasons!

1. I smoke.
2. I don't think there's anything otherworldly special about your children.
3. I'm a Republican.
4. I'm writing this nonsensical b.s. at the expense of my employer, who is paying me to work--not abuse my Internet privileges.
5. I don't own a pair of Manolo Blahniks.
6. I don't even know if I spelled that right.
7. I thought Sex and the City was stupid.
8. I freely use the word retarded.
9. I've littered.
10. I think it's moronic when people see a random number on their cell phone screen, then call that number and accusingly say to the person who answers, "Yeah, someone just called me from this number."
11. If given the choice to marry Val Kilmer or become the first woman President of the United States, I'd marry Val Kilmer.
12. I don't wax my facial hair--I shave it.
13. I don't believe that smoking marijuana makes a person "dumb".
14. I think of a $10+ bottle of wine as "expensive".
15. I buy Louis Vuitton knockoffs from street vendors and then tell people they're the real thing.
16. I love it when I catch a man surreptitiously checking out my rack.
17. I wholly expect my man to check out other women's racks.
18. Grease 2 is one of my favorite movies.
19. Baby...One More Time is one of my favorite songs.
20. I'm a nerd...and I'm pretty proud of it.